Why Do We Keep Falling for People Who Hurt Us?

You know the drill. You meet someone new. They feel different. Exciting. Fast forward six months and – somehow – you’re back in the same emotional mess. Same arguments. Same gut punches. Same feeling of not being seen, not being safe.

So why do we keep falling for people who aren’t good for us?

It’s called repetition compulsion. And it’s not about bad luck. It’s about patterns your brain locked in long before Tinder ever existed.

The familiar feels safe – even when it’s not.

Your brain loves patterns. It clings to the familiar – even if that familiar comes from a childhood full of chaos, criticism, or emotional distance.

So what does that look like now?

• You had an unavailable parent? You might chase people who can’t show up.
  
• Grew up walking on eggshells? You might crave intensity – because calm feels boring.
  
• You learned love meant fixing or proving yourself? You might choose partners who need saving.

This is repetition compulsion in action: Your mind unconsciously recreating the emotional vibe of childhood – not because it’s healthy, but because it’s known.

Your attachment style plays a part.

The way you bonded with caregivers early in life wires your emotional radar. If that wiring was shaky, your relationship patterns might be too:

• Anxious types cling hard and fear abandonment.
  
• Avoidant types shut down and fear closeness.
  
• Disorganised types swing between the two – craving connection but fearing it at the same time.

These styles aren’t flaws. They’re survival strategies your younger self developed to deal with whatever love looked like back then.

So what now?

How do you break the cycle – and choose love that’s actually good for you?

1. Pause and reflect – brutally honestly.

If the same script keeps playing out, it’s time to read the lines.

• Who are you drawn to? What do they have in common?
  
• How do these relationships make you feel – not just at the start, but once the high fades?
  
• Who does this dynamic remind you of?

Patterns don’t change until they’re seen.

2. Get curious, not judgemental.

There’s no shame in repeating what you were taught. But there is power in learning something new.

Start asking:

• Is this love, or is it familiarity?
  
• Am I trying to “win” the affection I didn’t get as a kid?
  
• What would a safe, secure relationship even look like?

Let curiosity replace self-blame. Compassionate self-awareness is where the real shift begins.

3. Date against type.

If your “type” hasn’t worked, try the opposite.

• Attracted to aloof and mysterious? Try consistent and emotionally available.
  
• Drawn to chaos? Try steady.
  
• Bored by healthy love? Good. Sit in that discomfort. That’s where the healing is.

Sometimes growth means choosing someone who doesn’t trigger every insecurity you’ve ever had – and giving that calm, un-sexy peace a chance to feel like home.

4. Set boundaries and mean it.

Knowing what you won’t tolerate is just as important as knowing what you want.

Define your no-go zones:

• Criticism disguised as “honesty”
  
• Emotional unavailability
  
• Hot and cold communication

You don’t have to justify your limits. You just have to hold them.

5. Therapy helps. A lot.

Old wounds need a space to heal. Therapy gives you that – a space to make the unconscious conscious, and to try out new patterns with someone who can walk beside you.

You don’t need to figure this out alone.

Bottom line?

If you’re always drawn to the same kind of relationship, you’re not broken – you’re patterned. But patterns can be rewritten.

Love doesn’t have to feel like chasing approval. It doesn’t have to feel like anxiety dressed up as passion. It doesn’t have to mirror the wounds you never asked for.

You’re allowed to choose something better. And you’re capable of it – one conscious decision at a time.

Turns out, love doesn’t just happen to us. We shape it. We build it. We heal into it. So if you’ve been stuck in a loop – chasing the same kind of heartache – maybe it’s time to stop asking why it feels so familiar. And start asking if you’re ready for something unfamiliar… but healthier.